James' Darkness

In the twilight hours when there is no sleep, shadows take on a life of their own. Each turn of my head twists another assassin from the black corners of the room. They come for me when rest has fled and drag me from what dreams I may have had. They leave me empty. They leave me with no direction to walk in. I am numb.

Light comes again with morning but never drives the shadows away. The empty memories remain. The past is never far enough behind for me to forget. I've been told before that I need to move on. "That's nice," I always want to reply. "Where exactly do I have left to go?" It's never been my design to be where I am. Now that I could craft my own destiny I find that I have no desires, no will, no passion. I see no future for myself.

This ought to disturb me but I don't feel. The only reason I continue on is that I know there must be more. Something I've yet to discover. Others are happy and sad and excited and disappointed. What is it that drives them...?

When was it that I stopped caring about myself? When did I stop caring about what happens to me? When did I stop caring?

I stopped caring.

That is what is wrong with my life. I care for nothing. What joy can there be when I don't care?

People who don't care make me angry and I see now that I am angry at myself. What foolishnes of the past could be so bad to ignore the potential ahead of me? My life has been lived in hiding and fear. It has yielded no benefit. I must no longer live afraid and ashamed. I will learn to live. I will learn to care. I will learn to forgive.

When the relentless shadows come once more there will be rest. I will dream again.